I can't tell you how much I admire your honesty -it's absolutely bracing and life-affirming. I don't know if it was Updike who said it, but when I read your piece I remembered that line about how above all, a writer must brings news. And through your radical honesty you brought news about marriage, something so old and familiar. I hope for you and for all of us that we can wake up!
If your partner is treating you in the way Oppenheimer describes treating his wife you are being abused, and couples therapy is not a good idea. Couples therapists are famous for minimizing abuse and falsely equalizing all behavior. Even this self-styled "reformed" husband can't get himself to call his behavior abusive, a clear indication he will eventually fall back into it. And the larger New York Times piece is a lot about his male pain, his supposed emotional victimhood being raised a man, which is the textbook way that abusers and couples therapists make the perpetrator into the victim - even after some performative truth-telling. He's even parlayed this into a career boost - a long, paid, prominent, pseudo-introspective piece in our country's most "eminent" newspaper. He will now parlay the piece into a book - all on the back of the suffering of his wife and kids. That's straightforward toxic narcissism. And the saddest part of all is that his wife's training as a couples therapist is probably part of what has her caught in his abuse vortex.
A piece about being a verbal and emotional abuser without naming it, using scraps of performative self-awareness (in this case literally performed for an audience) to engage public and private Himpathy. The author’s childhood was no worse than millions of people who are NOT abusive to their loved ones, but he blames male childhood emotional conditioning for behavior that is simply an outgrowth of lifelong male privilege. He continues to make sure he benefits. It made me very sad for his wife. Yuck.
“I think men who know your compliance is coerced can eventually get even angrier for it. They know you don’t mean it, and it shames them, and that shame has to be projected back onto you…At best, the man who “snaps” will be recalled as a tortured soul, his victim, a docile, simple, untroubled wife who happened to get in the way. What can she know about dark nights of the soul? Perhaps there will be another discussion of men’s mental health, and why he never gets to discuss his problems." ~ Victoria Smith
I can't tell you how much I admire your honesty -it's absolutely bracing and life-affirming. I don't know if it was Updike who said it, but when I read your piece I remembered that line about how above all, a writer must brings news. And through your radical honesty you brought news about marriage, something so old and familiar. I hope for you and for all of us that we can wake up!
Thanks, Eric! What a lovely thing to write. I hope so too.
Impressive feat. What a stud! Congrats.
You're a stud. :)
Thanks!
"Get away from me, but also, how dare you fail to take care of me?" — very relatable, haha.
This piece is refreshingly honest and so well done. Bravo, Daniel!
Pretty much my basic approach to the first 15 or 16 years of my marriage, alas.
Congrats! Clearly you bring the same perspicacity to yourself that you do to your interview subjects.
Perspicacity is my middle name. :)
And thanks!
Squee, the NYT!! Too excited to read it right now. Give me a few minutes lol
That’s kind how I feel about the whole thing. Although “anxious” might be a better word for my state of mind than “excited.” Or maybe both.
If your partner is treating you in the way Oppenheimer describes treating his wife you are being abused, and couples therapy is not a good idea. Couples therapists are famous for minimizing abuse and falsely equalizing all behavior. Even this self-styled "reformed" husband can't get himself to call his behavior abusive, a clear indication he will eventually fall back into it. And the larger New York Times piece is a lot about his male pain, his supposed emotional victimhood being raised a man, which is the textbook way that abusers and couples therapists make the perpetrator into the victim - even after some performative truth-telling. He's even parlayed this into a career boost - a long, paid, prominent, pseudo-introspective piece in our country's most "eminent" newspaper. He will now parlay the piece into a book - all on the back of the suffering of his wife and kids. That's straightforward toxic narcissism. And the saddest part of all is that his wife's training as a couples therapist is probably part of what has her caught in his abuse vortex.
A piece about being a verbal and emotional abuser without naming it, using scraps of performative self-awareness (in this case literally performed for an audience) to engage public and private Himpathy. The author’s childhood was no worse than millions of people who are NOT abusive to their loved ones, but he blames male childhood emotional conditioning for behavior that is simply an outgrowth of lifelong male privilege. He continues to make sure he benefits. It made me very sad for his wife. Yuck.
Great piece, Dan. Your vulnerability and honesty are admirable.
“I think men who know your compliance is coerced can eventually get even angrier for it. They know you don’t mean it, and it shames them, and that shame has to be projected back onto you…At best, the man who “snaps” will be recalled as a tortured soul, his victim, a docile, simple, untroubled wife who happened to get in the way. What can she know about dark nights of the soul? Perhaps there will be another discussion of men’s mental health, and why he never gets to discuss his problems." ~ Victoria Smith
Congrats on getting the cover! Now we can say we knew about you before you got big :)
It takes a lot of guts to write this intimately. Respect!