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Eric Jones's avatar

I can't tell you how much I admire your honesty -it's absolutely bracing and life-affirming. I don't know if it was Updike who said it, but when I read your piece I remembered that line about how above all, a writer must brings news. And through your radical honesty you brought news about marriage, something so old and familiar. I hope for you and for all of us that we can wake up!

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Daniel Oppenheimer's avatar

Thanks, Eric! What a lovely thing to write. I hope so too.

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Derek Neal's avatar

Great piece, Dan. Your vulnerability and honesty are admirable.

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Daniel Oppenheimer's avatar

Thanks, man! Appreciate it.

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Kevin Maguire's avatar

Great piece Dan. So much of the shift in what it means to be a man, husband and father today revolves around our ability to sit with these uncomfortable feelings and put words to them. Men have been avoiding this for eons—good to see you lighting the way. I’ll be adding this one as a recommended read to my fatherhood newsletter next week!

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Daniel Oppenheimer's avatar

Thanks, and really appreciate it! And kudos to you for leading the way too.

I think we're a few decades behind women in terms of thinking through a lot of these issues, which in a way is an optimistic perspective. We'll get to a healthier place, it's just going to take a little while, and we just have to hope that Trump et al don't burn it all down before we get there.

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Tim Walker's avatar

Really nice piece, Dan — I waited to read it in hard copy this morning. I found myself underlining key bits of it as I reflected on my own long marriage (which ended in 2017) and the couples therapy we had. Read out bits of it to my partner so we can compare notes. Kudos to you for the realness throughout the piece.

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Daniel Oppenheimer's avatar

Thanks, Tim. Appreciate it.

Relationships are so hard!

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Gary Kornblau's avatar

Impressive feat. What a stud! Congrats.

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Daniel Oppenheimer's avatar

You're a stud. :)

Thanks!

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Mutual Attendance's avatar

If your partner is treating you in the way Oppenheimer describes treating his wife you are being abused, and couples therapy is not a good idea. Couples therapists are famous for minimizing abuse and falsely equalizing all behavior. Even this self-styled "reformed" husband can't get himself to call his behavior abusive, a clear indication he will eventually fall back into it. And the larger New York Times piece is a lot about his male pain, his supposed emotional victimhood being raised a man, which is the textbook way that abusers and couples therapists make the perpetrator into the victim - even after some performative truth-telling. He's even parlayed this into a career boost - a long, paid, prominent, pseudo-introspective piece in our country's most "eminent" newspaper. He will now parlay the piece into a book - all on the back of the suffering of his wife and kids. That's straightforward toxic narcissism. And the saddest part of all is that his wife's training as a couples therapist is probably part of what has her caught in his abuse vortex.

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Kara Panzer's avatar

Very wisely put. I agree completely with your assessment. His piece has really disturbed me. That a man would “rage” at his wife and then be lauded for disclosing it? Sad times. I hope she finds peace and healing.

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Jeff Giesea's avatar

"Get away from me, but also, how dare you fail to take care of me?" — very relatable, haha.

This piece is refreshingly honest and so well done. Bravo, Daniel!

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Daniel Oppenheimer's avatar

Pretty much my basic approach to the first 15 or 16 years of my marriage, alas.

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Henry Begler's avatar

Congrats! Clearly you bring the same perspicacity to yourself that you do to your interview subjects.

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Daniel Oppenheimer's avatar

Perspicacity is my middle name. :)

And thanks!

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José Skinner's avatar

Squee, the NYT!! Too excited to read it right now. Give me a few minutes lol

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Daniel Oppenheimer's avatar

That’s kind how I feel about the whole thing. Although “anxious” might be a better word for my state of mind than “excited.” Or maybe both.

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COTD's avatar

A piece about being a verbal and emotional abuser without naming it, using scraps of performative self-awareness (in this case literally performed for an audience) to engage public and private Himpathy. The author’s childhood was no worse than millions of people who are NOT abusive to their loved ones, but he blames male childhood emotional conditioning for behavior that is simply an outgrowth of lifelong male privilege. He continues to make sure he benefits. It made me very sad for his wife. Yuck.

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Kara Panzer's avatar

Your piece has stayed with me. I’ve been googling your name hoping that some thoughtful criticism would emerge and alas it has not. Your family deserves better than your raging. If a loved one of mine were in a relationship with a man who acts the way you describe yourself acting, I would pray that she finds the strength to leave him. Your own therapist describes your wife as feeling “fearful” and “isolated” as a result of your actions. I hope you can turn things around and learn to manage your emotions like an adult.

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COTD's avatar

“I think men who know your compliance is coerced can eventually get even angrier for it. They know you don’t mean it, and it shames them, and that shame has to be projected back onto you…At best, the man who “snaps” will be recalled as a tortured soul, his victim, a docile, simple, untroubled wife who happened to get in the way. What can she know about dark nights of the soul? Perhaps there will be another discussion of men’s mental health, and why he never gets to discuss his problems." ~ Victoria Smith

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Margo Helman's avatar

So many of live through experiences just like this, over and over. We tend to only talk about what goes on in our marriages if we're divorced. It takes courage to put it out there like this. Grateful to you.

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Gaudium's avatar

Congrats on getting the cover! Now we can say we knew about you before you got big :)

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The Ivy Exile's avatar

It takes a lot of guts to write this intimately. Respect!

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